Alright.…
I do believe I ended up with a c-section because of my decision to get an epidural. As I said in my first birth story post, I don’t regret the epidural. I can’t. The pain was unbearable. So in that sense, I guess I should be ok with the ending c-section. But I also strongly feel that I was talked into it. I was worn down. And… after sitting in the hospital for 24 hours, I was exhausted.
For some women, an epidural helps labor progress because it takes away pain/tension and allows contractions to do their job. For probably the majority of women, an epidural slows labor down, and that’s where I fall. This led to breaking my water… then pitocin… then c-section. Why did I agree to pitocin? I’d rather have that work than end up in a c-section. Sadly, for me, it didn’t work.
A few months ago I was reading a story about how hospital nurses were starting to come forward and talk about how doctors were administering pitocin in high doses to purposely cause distress in the baby (“pit to distress”). Yes, I wonder about my OB… she had no idea who I was, we had no connection, she had no emotion. Plus, she upped my pitocin to a level of 24 when the max is supposed to be 20. Luckily, our baby never went into distress. His heart rate did rise from around 140 to around 160, but they never said anything about it.
What do I wish? I wish I had denied the c-section, at least at that time. I wish we had waited to see if I could get to 10cm and if I could have pushed this baby out. Too big to fit? Please, have you seen him?! 7 lb, 9 oz. I don’t think your body makes a baby it can’t fit.
But… no woulda, shoulda, coulda games. Right? It is very hard when people tell me that I got a healthy and happy baby and that’s all that matters. Of course it matters. And of course I’m deeply in love with Ryan. But it’s not the ONLY thing that matters… it doesn’t change the fact that I missed out on giving birth… one of the most incredible, natural, amazing experiences of life. I missed it. And when they were prepping me for the c-section and I asked the nurse what my chances were of ever having a vaginal birth, she said I most likely never would.
I know that’s not true. But I’m pretty terrified of it. Just a few weeks ago I overheard the receptionist at my clinic say a woman had just died when her uterus ruptured during a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section) and that my clinic doesn’t even take VBAC patients (no loss there, I hate my clinic).
Yes, I’ve heard of ICAN and I’ve visited their site. They have no chapters where I live… I need to look into it more, just haven’t had time.
Yes, I’m disappointed in myself. And my advice for others??? If you’re completely serious about having an all natural birth, I’d look at a birthing center (or homebirth).
But, if you’re planning on getting an epidural and going to the hospital… I’d recommend a doula. I feel like if we had one there, she would have been able to remember for me what we originally wanted. She would have been able to stand ground for us when we were exhausted and confused. Who knows, I could have denied the c-section and still ended up needing one later. But at least I would have tried. I was at 8cm.. so close.. and I didn’t try.
Also.. just know what to expect. Know how things work these days and that it’s very possible you end up in a c-section or end up trying to be talked into one. Know what pitocin is and what it does. Know what you want and write it down to have it by your side – in the heat of the moment, I basically forgot what I wanted or why. Have an open mind.
I researched so much.. I knew exactly what I wanted and didn’t want… and this is how it turned out. Anything can happen. I wish I had known that.
Some of you mentioned you had questions for me… I’d love for you to ask. Anything, really. It will help me to help you. If you’d prefer to ask privately, email me erdickey(at)gmail(dot)com
Thanks again for all the wonderful support, it’s greatly appreciated and extremely helpful.
I read my post again to see if there was a reason these medical people decided to come out and make me feel awful. And I can’t really figure it out… seriously, what was your point in coming to my blog, reading my story – where I obviously convey that I’m depressed and upset about it – and leaving comments to make me feel WORSE? Did that make you feel better about yourselves? Did you accomplish anything?
Yes, I gave consent for everything. BUT… if you read my whole story… I refused breaking my water twice before they said I might have an infection and they had to break my water to see if there was one. I refused pitocin 4 times. You get to a point where you’re worn down. You’re made to trust in your doctors and nurses and understand they’re doing what’s best. So the 5th time they said I needed it, I caved.
When they said I needed a c-section, I had been in labor for 48 hours (24 of them at the hospital). I was exhausted, in pain and confused. I DID say no and I sobbed. The OB stared at me stone-faced, she did not care at all. She DID know my plans for a natural birth and how important it was to me because I had printed birth plans. Plus, I said no. And I was sobbing. I couldn’t even finally say yes to the c-section, I looked at my husband and he had to say it for me.
Yes, I consented to it all, but they DID take advantage of a first-time mom who was exhausted and confused. They took advantage of the trust I placed in them. I had major surgery and my baby was not in distress. All I needed was more time. And I even admit in my post that I may have taken more time and may have ended up NEEDING a c-section anyway. I would have been ok with that. I’m completely okay with c-sections when people NEED them.
My c-section was 12 hours after my bag of waters was broken. I had plenty of time to spare before worrying of infection. That wasn’t a reason they gave for me “needing” the surgery. They said he was too big to fit/was stuck. But I was at 8cm and +1 station.
To Nurse Naomi: “You and your baby could have died if you didn’t have the option of a csection. Would you have preferred that?” WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT? Think before you type. If you’re trying to make a point, make an intelligent one with facts (like the first medical commenter was able to do). Obviously I wouldn’t prefer we were DEAD. As I said, I appreciate c-sections for people who need them and I’m aware of the fact I may have ended up needing one anyway. But I didn’t need one at the time it was given.
“Would you have preferred to subject yourself to the pain for hours just to find out that you still needed the cesarean?” YES. and next time I plan on doing just that, thank you.
To The Good Doctor: thank you for your factual points – especially the one on pelvic size. You’ve educated me and that’s a good way to make your point (unlike the other recent comments on here). I’d actually like to talk with you more… and am glad to hear you say you’ve never used “pit to distress.” But that doesn’t mean it hasn’t been done. And you say if a baby goes into distress, hospitals stop pitocin and take measures to resolve it.… from every story I’ve read, that is just not true. But if that’s the case where you work, that’s amazing. In my experience, a baby in distress goes straight to surgery.
And I agree that our voices should not be heard in anger, that’s not the way to fight this. Which is exactly the reason I have not yet written to my OB to explain how I feel about what she did. I do not want to sound angry in my letter, I want to be clear-headed. However, my birth story posts may have come off sounding very angry because I WAS very angry (and still am) – but I have every right to be.
I am mourning the loss of the birth I wanted and anger is one of the stages.
What I don’t get is that you medical people came here to almost rub it in my face. Yes, I blame my doctor, but… I more so blame myself. I blame myself for not saying no ONE more time, for not being stronger, for not being successful… that I did end up giving consent. That is exactly what I struggle with and what makes me cry, still 9 weeks later. So why come here and post that? To make me feel worse? Do you have nothing better to do with your time? I’m trying to heal and I’m trying to share my story so that other women can be aware and be stronger than I was.
[Reply]
RC Reply:
July 28th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
I am so sorry that people were leaving negative comments about your experience. My sister also had a c-section that was not part of her birth plan. Her 2nd baby is due on Friday and she is very much hoping for a VBAC. I think she had a better experience w/her doctor than you did and I can only hope you have a better OB for your subsequent experiences. Your blog is an inspiration and I hope the healing process continues for you.
[Reply]
That is terrible you were attacked like that. I also had a c-section, bcz my son was breech and we could not turn him so I had no choice. I ended up getting deathly sick, contacting a staph infection from the c-section(I went through months of home health, son is now 5 1/2 months) and you are right, it’s major surgery. He was my 2nd and last baby and I too wanted maybe not so much “natural” but a vaginal birth and I was crushed but I did what I had to do through the advise of my OB. I would love to talk to some Mom’s about how c-sections can go very wrong, not to scare anybody, but when I was pg everyone acted as if (the section) was a piece of cake and it’s NOT! I came home and within a few days had a horrible temp and was in the hospital for 15 days without my sweet baby boy. I had a wound vac and had to have my MIL take care of my children while hubby took care of me. I could go on and on, but I wanted to say tha I am so sorry that you were attacked and that you did not get the birth you planned. I truly know how you feel.
[Reply]
I enjoy your blog and read it when I find time (I have a 3 yo). I was faced with an emergency c-section at 34 weeks due to toxemia (with NO symptoms prior to my 34 week appointment). I left my dr’s appointment and went straight to the hospital (attached). Got there at 4:37 pm and gave birth to my son at 5:02 pm. I never in a million years thought I would have a c-section, but it turned out to be the least of my worries as my son ended up having a pneumothorax and was on a vent for a week (but out a week later, thank goodness).
It is ashame that everyone is judgemental, but obviously everyone has opinions. My son (Keller) is now a super big and healthy boy that is totally happy and thriving. He could care less how he came into the worls and frankly neither do I. I appreciate the fact that you use your blog to share in your frustrations and experience, but you also make it clear that every situation is different.
I will never have the opportunity for a V-Bac because I had a nasty incision due to the urgency of the surgery.
It would probably do you a work of good to talk to your dr. I had A LOT of time to think about my birth since I could not really interact with my son until he was off the vent and I came to the conclusion that everything happens for a reason. My son’s birth made me a much stronger person and now I am proud of my scar and my story.
You are a Mom to a beautiful baby boy and that should be what matters most. I am sure you will be one of the proud few to get to say that you experienced birth in both ways!
[Reply]
Emily, I am sorry about what these medical experts are doing to you. You were taken advantage of. The medical experts that posted on here should be ashamed. You are obviously very hurt and upset about your unnecesarean and people should not make you feel bad about yourself. You are a beautiful mommy and you did everything you could. You are completely right, you were taken advantage of because your were a first time mommy and the doctors and nurses were tired of waiting around. It is horrible that people have nothing better to do than to come here and scrutinize you. You did speak up, you were strong, you did all that a woman, exhausted and in pain, after 48 hours of labor, could do, and more. You should be proud that you held them off for as long as you did. I am truly sorry your fisrt birthing experience was not what you dreamt it would be, and I hope your next is everything you hope for and more.
[Reply]
[Reply]
Doctors and nurse have a duty to first and foremost do no harm. The progression of your labor sounds appropriate.
Also, there are several “rules” of labor that medical professionals follow that you may not be aware of, and the research you may have done does not may up for medical school/nursing school and practical care and experience as a healthcare provider.
The doctors aren’t trying to convince you to do anything. The doctors are telling you what in their medical opinion in the best course of action. You can choose to agree or not. You have the right to refused medical treatment, but they also have a right to refuse to treat you. They cannot leave in the middle of a case, but there are many groups of physicians who’s birthing contract stipulates you cannot have “birth plans” or “doulas” because of many expecting mother who want to “run the show” during the birthing process.
I constantly hear people say things alone the lines of “women have been doing this for thousands of years”… well the fact of the matter is that yes, women have been doing this since the dawn of time, but up until the last 100 years, with the many advances of modern medicine, childbirth was one of the most common ways many women died. in fact, its is a very common way many women still die in third-world countries.
For example, your MD said that the baby was too big to be delivered vaginally. Perhaps what they meant was that your pelvis was too small. I say that because my 7lb 6ounce baby had a small head, and was not a huge baby but could still not be delivered vaginally. I labored for 48hours on cytotec and pit. Never went past 0 station. dilated to 8 and stayed put. After the wonderful Doctor finally pulled my wonderful, beautiful baby boy out of me, and the dust had a chance to settle he told me that my pelvis was the size of a coke can and he would have never came out on his own. That Doctor, and modern medicine for that matter, saved my son and I from dieing during childbirth.
I really think that the Doctors and Nurses did what was in yours and your sons best interest. You are right to say “it is their job” but it really more than that. Their goal is to advocate for the patients and to help you make informed decisions, but sometimes you should really listen to them and trust their better judgment, after all, they have brought many more babies in the world that you and they know what they are doing.
[Reply]
Brittney,
Seriously?! Did you not read the birth story? There was nothing wrong with her or her baby. They were both doing fine, no infection, no distress, they were just tired and needed more time. Have you ever been taken advantage of during a very emotional and tiring time in your life? That is what happens during labor. You are tired, you are hungry, and you don’t remember why you wanted certain things. Telling a woman that a doctor saved her and her baby’s life by performing an unnecessary cesarean just makes it worse. She consented, but how was the consent given? Not in a medical emergency. Just because the doctor got tired and a cesarean was the simplest way to go.
Why does a doctor get to decide what happens with YOUR body just because they have experience? Do they know your body better than you do? Have they followed you around your entire life and know the ins and outs of you? No. Sure doctors and nurses are trained to care for patients, but what is to stop them from taking complete control of a process that doesn’t need to be controlled? Women follow blindly because the doctor knows what they are doing, but lately they are causing more harm than good. 1 in 3 women do NOT need to have their baby’s surgically. 1 in 3 women do not need to be beaten down during labor and told they will never have a baby vaginally when they are progressing and everything is going fine. 1 in 3 women do not need to be told that their body is flawed and their baby was too big.
It is such a cop out. If you haven’t read this story, I suggest you do. It sounds like you are just a bandwagon groupie and didn’t read the emotion and the anger in this story. I suggest you go back and try to understand before you comment on something you don’t understand.
[Reply]
I did read it. I my feelings remain the same.
I tend to think that women who want to have an experience birthing that they control need to have their children at a birthing center. They embrace this sort of thing much more readily.
If you are going to employ the services of medical staff, you are entrusting them with you care. You always have other options. But I stand by the fact that if you involve a medical team, you should let the professional do their job. You wouldn’t walk behind the counter at McDonalds and instruct the fast food associate how to properly assemble a Big Mac, would you? Then why on earth would you think you have better judgement abilities about delivering a baby that someone who does it every day? The who “knowing your body” arguement is jack, really. Unless you’ve had other babies, then no, you do not know who your body will react to the birthing process.
Having anything, especially bringing life into the world, not go as planned can be bothersome, but I don’ t think its something that should be mourned. The bottomline is that both mother and baby are happy and healthy. Who cares about the rest, really?
[Reply]
Wow, Brittney. Open your eyes. Who cares about the rest? I do. Lots of women do. Of course I’m happy my baby and myself are healthy. But my birth experience was extremely important to me. I feel it’s one of those once in a lifetime opportunities… something magical and wonderful that women get to experience… and I missed out. I failed. I didn’t give birth.
I’m welcome to other opinions here, but if you can’t respect mine then get off my blog. I clearly care a great deal and why do you have nothing better to do than to come here and make me feel bad about it? Seriously, get a better hobby.
This was my first baby. I had no idea I’d run into those issues at the hospital or I would have gone to a birthing center (or had a homebirth) in a SECOND. And you said it exactly – I entrusted the medical staff with my body and my birth – and they failed me. They did NOT do their job of giving me the birth I wanted – of LISTENING to their patient.
How dare you come here and tell me that MY experience, that I’m greatly struggling with, was all my fault. I’m glad you’re happy with your birth story, but you weren’t present at mine, you don’t know what was said, you don’t know me or how I’m feeling.
[Reply]
” I missed out. I failed. I didn’t give birth.” That is the issue I think, and why you are so defensive about this. You did infact give birth, and there was no failure on anyones part, least of all yours.
I think you should stop beating yourself up about it. When I say, who cares about the rest, I meant it. Really, why do you care about the rest? You cannot go back and change it. The end result was a gorgeous healthy baby boy and I assume you recovered as expected as well?
What I guess I really mean to say it don’s sweat the small stuff, and I guess if this is something you don’t consider to be small, then there is nothing I can do to change that. What I will say is that my personal pregnancy and birthing experience were in fact terrible, but even though my son is only 11 months old, it hardly crosses my mind. I would redo any and every moment of it, if i meant I would get this wonderful little boy I have now. I wouldn’t change a thing, because in the end I got the best thing I could. My son!
So think possitive. There is nothing about your story that is a failure, so please don’t take my comments as any indication of such. I am very proud of my profession and feel the need to advocate for good medical professionals often. I entered a contest you hosted, followed your twitter, happen to see a tweet you made about drs and nurses commenting on your post, so I was curious, and for some reason felt compeled to give my two cents. Surely you know that if you put your life on display and allow people to comment, they will.
My posts arent meant to be mean, or upset you, they are mearly a defense for a profession that I feel very passionate about. Please know that there is alot more to being a Doctor or Nurse than what you may see. There is so much more, and our number one priority is always the patient.
[Reply]
Thank you for this comment, written in a much more caring manner. In your previous comments, I felt attacked. I felt someone was again blaming me for what happened. And that’s not fair. Like I said, birth experiences may not be important to some women, but it was to me.
Yes, having my son here is important and I am grateful. But I will mourn the loss of my birth and it frustrates me when people try to tell me how I should feel.
I figured the doctors and nurses were coming out on this post because they felt defensive. My birth story posts are angry and I do place blame on my medical staff. But I am aware that there are wonderful doctors and nurses out there… I was just not fortunate enough to have them.
And yes I’m aware I post my stories for the world to see. I enjoy the feedback, from both sides. I expected negative comments on my posts about circumcision, vaccines, epidurals, etc… as those are very controversial. But I never imagined I could be attacked – or that I’d receive negative comments – about my birth story, about something so personal and hurtful. I do appreciate your last comment… I know (or hope) that someday I will agree with you and stop beating myself up.
[Reply]
Brittney, maybe reading this will help you understand http://www.birthtruth.org/grateful.htm
[Reply]
YES! That is perfect, thank you Gretchen. You say the words in that essay that I cannot yet come up with. I think that essay can actually give people who don’t understand some sliver of an idea of what we have gone through.
[Reply]
Let me first apologize. I really had no intent of making you feel worse than you already do. I guess that maybe I am feeling a bit defensive because the things that you talk about are true, and I yet I feel like I try to do everything in my power to make the experience what you want as the patient. At my hospital there is indeed a protocol for babies that go into distress. This is a national standard and I know this because I wrote the policy at my hospital because of the standards put forth by the government. I round on women all the time that have had cesarean sections and they did not want one. I still care for them post-operatively and I hope that they will trust that I did not do this “to” them, but I thought it was the right thing to do for them and their baby. There is so much anger out there and it is directed at the medical profession; rightfully so I suppose.
If you were my patient I would like to hear from you to have a conversation like this so we can learn together. I could not expect to grow as a practitioner and person if someone didn’t occasionally hold the mirror up to my face. It is unfortunate that you were pressured into a procedure, especially if the baby was not in distress. I had a patient once at 8 cm for 6 hours because she wanted to wait until she was ready. That was not my choice because the baby was not in distress. She eventually decided this and she did wonderfully, but she made the decision, I hear you on this one. Medicine is pretty devoid of any spiritual side at this point in time, but there are doctors and allied health providers trying to change that.
What great pictures of you and your family. All of my babies were bald and I think they are the cutest; sorry to all the parents out there with kids with hair, but the bald babies have “it”.
Thanks for this discussion.
[Reply]
I am so sorry those people are being rude — and doing some very sloppy “reading.” You did what you could, and you clearly showed bravery trying to prevent what you tried to prevent. It’s heartbreaking that you felt forced into it, and I don’t think you should have to feel any shame on top of that. I thank you so much for giving your story to me so that if I am in a similar position, I have your story in my mind.
[Reply]
This has been interesting. I really wish doctors were more inclined to listen and not challenge women who want a natural birth. It is intimidating to try to express one’s desire in the doctor’s environment. As a patient I felt, “Doctor knows best” and it really went against my natural tendency to speak up and ask for what I really wanted. And I was fought. My doctor was a fine doctor and was willing to allow me to proceed with reservations, but it still would have been a lot easier if he’d understood in the beginning and said, “If this is what you want, there’s no real issue with it, I’ll back off and let you try.”
[Reply]
(I know this is months after the fact, but you prominently display your birth story and link to it on your blog, so I know that it will continue to be read in the future. For that reason, I feel compelled to respond to some of the comments here, in the hope that other women will be informed by my comments.)
I think The Good Doctor needs to do a little research.
On the proper dosage of Pitocin, from the pharmaceutical insert:
“The initial dose should be 0.5 – 1 mU/min (equal to 3 – 6 mL of the dilute oxytocin solution per hour). At 30 – 60 minute intervals the dose should be gradually increased in increments of 1 – 2 mU/min until the desired contraction pattern has been established. Once the desired frequency of contractions has been reached and labor has progressed to 5 – 6 cm dilation, the dose may be reduced by similar increments. Studies of the concentrations of oxytocin in the maternal plasma during Pitocin infusion have shown that infusion rates up to 6 mU/min give the same oxytocin levels that are found in spontaneous labor. At term, higher infusion rates should be given with great care, and rates exceeding 9 – 10 mU/min are rarely required.”
On the “evolution” of the pelvis: are you seriously suggesting that in the 2 – 3 generations since surgical birth has become common, that so many babies with android pelvises (or the propensity therefore) have been “saved” as to substantially impact the number of necessary c-sections? If this evolutionary mechanism worked as you propose, then android pelvises (or the genetic propensity for them) would have been very low to begin with, and even a significant increase could not account for even a tiny fraction of the c-sections we are seeing today. Also on the topic of inadequate pelvises, you are mistaken that obesity = large babies. Gestational diabetes can increase the risk of fetal macrosomia (large size), not maternal obesity alone. You are showing your size bias and it’s quite ugly. I hope you show better medical judgment (and that you are a lot less paternalistic and patronizing) with your actual patients than what you’ve shown here.
[Reply]
In response to Brittney’s first two ignorant, insensitive comments: birth is a natural process that women HAVE been doing for thousands of years, and the majority of risk has been removed with the availability of antibiotics and emergency care when needed. There is no reason that the majority of women need to give birth in a hospital. Unfortunately, most women do not have access to birth centers or homebirth with a qualified attendant due to lack of providers and/or lack of insurance coverage (financial reasons). I do agree that women need to be aware of how hospitals operate and properly prepare themselves through education, hiring a doula, and carefully selecting their care provider to guard against unnecessary interventions in the birth process. Finally, research has shown the long-lasting emotional impact that the birth experience has on women. Brittney is callous and uninformed to suggest that the birth experience doesn’t matter. I think it’s great that she’s at peace with her birth experience, but she’s had 11 months to process and “move on” — Em’s posts were written within 2 months of her son’s birth. Plus, it’s all about perspective. Em knew the risks of birth interventions and wanted to let her body and baby “do their thing”. Brittney obviously believes in the medical, disease model of birth and believes that her doctor saved her and her baby’s life. If Brittney were to somehow find out differently, she might have some seriously emotional baggage to deal with.
I don’t agree that the hospital staff’s job is to give every woman the birth she wants, but it’s not their job to push interventions that are not needed and could cause harm, either. The hospital is a business and works on efficiency and protocol. Deviating from the norm makes hospital staff nervous. This story is much more common that most women realize. The reason you don’t hear more women upset is because they don’t realize that it can be different, or that this is happening to other women, or that what happened to them WASN’T necessary. Our society treats doctors as gods, and many women believe that their bodies were incapable or that the doctor saved their life and the baby’s life. They don’t know the real risks of epidurals and Pitocin and c-sections, and how each intervention leads to more and more. They are scared of the birth process and put all their trust in the doctor to “deliver” them and their babies. I think Em is doing a great service to other women, as well as exorcising her own pain and regrets, by posting this birth story and her thoughts and feelings.
[Reply]
I stumbled upon this accidentally, but having read the comments felt the need to add my two cents’ worth. First of all, babyDickey, let me assure you that I fully understand your anger, anguish and grief, at not having the birthing experience you were expecting. I was in labour with my first for 36 hours, never progressed and had a ceasarean. My recovery was long (over a year), extremely painful and very influential in the birth of my second. I was so terrified of having another c-section, that I went for a VBAC. I was an “excellent candidate”, checked the scar condition, everything was perfect. I was in the hospital, on the off chance of problems. Even the labour was great. It progressed quickly, and was a really empowering experience. I envy women that have the “natural” experience. If I could, I would gladly endure labour again. I even gave birth vaginally. Sort of. My previous scar ruptured in the last 10 minutes of labour. I was ready to push, which I did. Unfortunately, it was too late. The rupture had no outward symptoms (pain, bleeding, etc) that are almost always present, except a heartbeat deceleration. It was only after I pushed the baby out as quickly as possible, that it was discovered that my uterus had ruptured. I ended up having not only IVs, which I detest, but antibiotics, episiotomy, vacuum, and then my stomach was cut open to repair the rupture (exactly like a c-section, just a different name). I basically had a vaginal birth and a ceasarean at the same time.
Do I regret things? You bet! I wish I had stayed home longer the first labour. Maybe I would have progressed better. I wish I had more support to avoid a c-section the first time. Most of all, I wish I had a scheduled ceasarean the second time and avoided labour altogether. Although, for a while, until I realised just how bad things actually were, I felt envious of all women that give vaginal birth every time. It really is liberating.
But I didn’t. I had a c-section. I nearly died. My daughter was, in essence, already dead, except for a heartbeat. Devastation? Grief? Shock? You can’t imagine it.
Two years later. I am EXTREMELY fortunate, that the staff managed to sew up my uterus instead of simply performing a hysterectomy, which was expected. My daughter is also alive, but severely disabled. Because of brain damage (lack of oxygen in those last 10 minutes), she can barely swallow and eats through a tube in the stomach, will never talk, will never pick up a toy, sit by herself, crawl, walk, etc etc etc. Imagine that? You can’t. These are just empty words to someone who has not experienced it.
Regrets? Countless. Woulda, coulda, shoulda? Absolutely. And what? Things happened, life has moved on. Time has passed. This is just a long preamble to say that I do, wholeheartedly, empathise with the grief at not having things happen as you expect, want, deserve.
And yet, I must say that I agree with Brittney’s general comments. Don’t kick me, and don’t think me insensitive. Brittney’s timing is very unfortunate. You are in the middle of grieving, she is past it. It is often hard to remember what it was like at the time, once you move on. I agree, because saying that “I love my baby”, but I should have had a vaginal birth is like throughing the baby out with the bath water. “I love my baby, but I can’t forget that it wasn’t a vaginal birth. If only I had given birth vaginally, it would all be perfect”.
It’s never perfect. There are women that suddenly have a cord prolapse during a home birth (after “perfect” previous births) and the baby dies, or is left disabled. Yes, I know these women first hand. There are women that are allergic to the amniotic fluid and die from toxic shock once their water breaks. Yes, I know the family. Some babies die in utero in the last month of birth. Yes, I also know that family. So many things can and do happen, despite all the medical advances and the best intentions of mothers and everyone else. There is no such thing as controlling the birth. All those people saying that it’s a woman’s right and purpose to give birth naturally, have never had anything happen to them. The wonderful and fulfilling process can and does go awry in quite a hurry. The majority simply do not hear about the unfortunate cases.
Please, don’t think I’m attacking you or trying to minimize your grief. NOT AT ALL. Grief is individual, and all is relative. I know you have a “but” for everythng I said. Your baby wasn’t in distress, you didn’t need the surgery. I read your post. I am only asking that you save this and read it 2, 3, 4, 5 years from now, when you are able to gain some perspective. Now you are not ready.
Brittney was only trying to help you count your blessings, and I am too. You are alive and healthy. Angry, yes, but alive. I realize that you are assuming that you would be alive anyway, but it really is great. You have a beautiful and healthy baby boy. There is really and truly NOTHING more important than that. Not how you gave birth, not what your wishes were, nothing. I know, you must be bursting with “buts”, but think of your wedding ceremony. I am assuming that you and your husband are happy together. Would you love him more, care for him more, if you had a different wedding day? Unlikely. In retrospect, the wedding ceremony matters little in family life. So is the birth itself. The important thing is the new healthy person that is with you. At least, you are not asked to wither completely to bear fruit as is every plant.
Honestly, read this later, and believe me, I hear your pain, and feel your indignation, and things should have been different, but for your little boy, don’t look at him and sign with regret about your “lost birth”. You did give birth, and it was only a very small beginning, not the ever-important culmination.
[Reply]
I can understand you are upset. Please don’t blame your decisions or feel guilty at all. The birth process is an unpredictable experience that you go into with all the best intentions, but often things don’t work out as planned. Each of my 3 kids’ births were such a different experience and mixture of circumstances that could not have been foreseen. During baby #1’s birth, I actually told the Dr. “I changed my mind and I’m not going to have a baby today thank you very much”… I unplugged myself from everything ready to just give up and leave. Where was I going? I have no idea.
Try not to harbor your anger, but instead…look at your beautiful baby and the joy the future holds. Don’t waste a moment on regrets. They are small for such a short time..cherish each moment. The result is what is important, not how you got there. Years later when you are watching your 15 year old learn to drive and tears run down your face when you realize you have only 3 more years left with them, the birth moment will never cross your mind except to think how that just seems like yesterday. You will stop and wish you could go back in time and hold that tiny baby all over again and return to that incredible first-time experience when everything is exciting and new…oh yea..and scary since they don’t come with an instruction manual.
Rarely does anything go as planned, but that is what makes parenting such an incredible journey. You can only make the best of each situation and not look back. Wishing you all the best and hoping this moment will pass quickly for you.
[Reply]
I can’t help it. I wasn’t going to say anything about Julie’s comment, but I can’t just let this one slide by.
That comment is a total scare tactic. There isn’t anything helpful about it. In the world of the internet, you can ALWAYS find someone that had a terrible thing happen to them. There will always be horror stories. I believe in being fully informed, but don’t try to scare me into doing what you do/did because it might not work for me.
[Reply]
I just discovered your blog and I’m kind of hooked…. I’m so sorry you had to go through that! I’m currently pregnant and thinking about my own birth plan and you’re writing about some of my concerns. Thank you for being so straightforward and honest with your posts…. I shared them with my husband and asked him to really help me stick to my convictions. I too am moving in the second trimester (moving next week from MA to NV) so this reaffirmed for me how important it’ll be to find an OB and a practice that I’m comfortable with!
Congrats on your baby boy!
[Reply]
I came across your site b/c I was looking for monster birthday ideas. I’m glad I kept poking around and found this post.
It’s so comforting to know that I am not the only one that feels they missed out on “one of the most incredible, natural, amazing experiences of life”. That is exactly how I feel!
My son was born Dec 2010. And 7 months later I still get very emotional and cry over the fact that I ended up with a c-section. I feel like I failed. I feel like I should have kept going and I just gave up too soon. Long story short…I was given pitocin over night and my labor started the next morning. I was in alot of pain, but was only at 3.5cm. My dr ok’d me getting the epidural before I reached 4cm b/c it was so painful. When I laid back down after getting the epidural they couldn’t find my baby’s heart rate. Everything after that went really fast. Next thing I know I’m in the OR. On the other hand, my dr had been warning me about the c-section b/c my son was large and she was concerned about shoulder displacia(sp?).
Any how, I still look back and think maybe if I held off on the epidural a little while longer…maybe if I tried more pain management techniques…so many what if’s.
My husband and I already talk about #2. I’m interested in a VBAC, but I would need to do a lot of research. I’m going to try to check back often to see your progress.
In the end, I have the happiest and healthiest little boy I could ever imagine! And I am crazy in love with him!
Again, thanks for sharing your story.
[Reply]
babydickey Reply:
August 8th, 2011 at 7:01 pm
Hi Laura! Thank you for the comment — It always pains me to read stories like yours. That are so similar to mine. I’m so so so sorry that happened to you. I was you a year ago. I can tell you the pain and the crying over the c-section does get better – it does lessen. But even for me, now 19 months later, I still cry once in awhile. It still pains me, I still have what ifs and anger over the situation.
If you EVER have any questions about VBACs, feel free to ask. You can email me anytime — erdickey@gmail.com — or even if you just want someone to cry and rant to about your c-section. I can listen.
I can tell you that your dr trying to warn you about having a baby that’s too big and trying to scare with shoulder dystocia is the biggest load of crap. I’d start by finding a new doctor. First off – it’s nearly impossible to estimate the size of a baby before birth. Second, true CPD (cephalo-pelvic disproption – having a baby too big to fit) is extremely rare. And third, even IF you had a large baby, shoulder dystocia is rare. Yes, it would be a serious complication IF it happened, but it pisses me off to no end that your doctor would bring up a c-section just at the possibility of 1)having a big baby AND 2)scaring you with shoulder dystocia.
As you know, I had an epidural too and blame a lot of what happened on that. For most women, an epidural stalls or slows labor. Obviously for my VBAC at home I won’t have any pain meds so one of the major things I’m working on are pain management techniques. I’ll let you know how that goes, haha.
Best of luck, mama!!!! and HUGS!
[Reply]
I came across your site because I applied for a giveaway and received an extra entry if I was a GFC of this blog. I’m SO glad I did GFC this blog because I LOVE reading birth stories. I’m a RN and no, I’m not going to argue with you. Instead, I AGREE WITH YOU 100%. We (medical professionals) are too often concerned about litigation and ending up in a courtroom. So, we recommend having this done or that done, when in fact many of the things we push to women in labor and delivery often end up causing many women to have c-sections (like in your case).
I too had Pitocin and an Epidural, but thankfully I gave birth to a 9 lb. 12 oz. baby vaginally. During the pushing stage, I felt like a failure from my doctor (the nurses were great-encouraging, telling me I was during a great job), but the doctor kept applying fundal pressure which did not help AT ALL. Unfortunately, I ended up with an episiotomy, because of having an impatient doctor. At my 6 week post partum checkup, the midwife told me, that the reason I had an episiotomy was because, “Dr. N_ was too impatient.”
P.S. I hope your birth for this pregnancy goes well.
[Reply]
I happened on your blog today courtesy of either PhD in Parenting or Just West of Crunchy… can’t remember which one as I often open multiple browser windows at a time when I find something I want to save for later reading.
I am so sorry to hear what happened during your birth experience. I am also sorry for the criticism you have faced over posting your experiences. The criticism is one of the main reasons I haven’t even attempted to blog my whole birth story. I just posted the quick version which left out so much of my experiences and my feelings about what all happened during my birth. As our Bradley Birth class instructor told us; it is ok and completely normal to mourn the fact that your birth happened the way it did. I too have a very difficult time with people telling me, “but you have a beautiful baby and that’s all that matters, right?”
I was told that the epidural would relax me and allow me to dilate (this after 26 hours of no dilation with the last 5 hours of contractions 1.5 – 2 mins apart lasting 1 – 1.5 mins each). Turns out I had scar tissue, from a procedure I had done years ago, keeping my cervix closed. Labor only lasted around 6 hours after the scar tissue was removed (and mostly it took that long because I wasn’t mentally ready for it and decided that as long as baby was looking good, I would wait until I was ready to push.
As a side note, true CPD (baby too big to be born vaginally for your pelvis size) is VERY rare (though it does happen) and can only be accurately determined by a trial of labor (this according to our Bradley Birth Instructor and our OBs).
I pray that your next birth is everything you dream it to be.
[Reply]
I didn’t know about all this information it will be very useful later on
[Reply]
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by TheFeministBreeder and Baby Dickey, ICAN of DuPage Co.. ICAN of DuPage Co. said: Advice from a mom who recently suffered an unwanted an unnecessary cesarean RT @babydickey: http://bit.ly/81zu8D #VBAC […]