I am so sorry to hear what happened during your birth experience. I am also sorry for the criticism you have faced over posting your experiences. The criticism is one of the main reasons I haven’t even attempted to blog my whole birth story. I just posted the quick version which left out so much of my experiences and my feelings about what all happened during my birth. As our Bradley Birth class instructor told us; it is ok and completely normal to mourn the fact that your birth happened the way it did. I too have a very difficult time with people telling me, “but you have a beautiful baby and that’s all that matters, right?”

I was told that the epidural would relax me and allow me to dilate (this after 26 hours of no dilation with the last 5 hours of contractions 1.5–2 mins apart lasting 1–1.5 mins each). Turns out I had scar tissue, from a procedure I had done years ago, keeping my cervix closed. Labor only lasted around 6 hours after the scar tissue was removed (and mostly it took that long because I wasn’t mentally ready for it and decided that as long as baby was looking good, I would wait until I was ready to push.

As a side note, true CPD (baby too big to be born vaginally for your pelvis size) is VERY rare (though it does happen) and can only be accurately determined by a trial of labor (this according to our Bradley Birth Instructor and our OBs).

I pray that your next birth is everything you dream it to be.

I too had Pitocin and an Epidural, but thankfully I gave birth to a 9 lb. 12 oz. baby vaginally. During the pushing stage, I felt like a failure from my doctor (the nurses were great-encouraging, telling me I was during a great job), but the doctor kept applying fundal pressure which did not help AT ALL. Unfortunately, I ended up with an episiotomy, because of having an impatient doctor. At my 6 week post partum checkup, the midwife told me, that the reason I had an episiotomy was because, “Dr. N_ was too impatient.”

P.S. I hope your birth for this pregnancy goes well.

If you EVER have any questions about VBACs, feel free to ask. You can email me anytime — erdickey@gmail.com — or even if you just want someone to cry and rant to about your c-section. I can listen.

I can tell you that your dr trying to warn you about having a baby that’s too big and trying to scare with shoulder dystocia is the biggest load of crap. I’d start by finding a new doctor. First off–it’s nearly impossible to estimate the size of a baby before birth. Second, true CPD (cephalo-pelvic disproption–having a baby too big to fit) is extremely rare. And third, even IF you had a large baby, shoulder dystocia is rare. Yes, it would be a serious complication IF it happened, but it pisses me off to no end that your doctor would bring up a c-section just at the possibility of 1)having a big baby AND 2)scaring you with shoulder dystocia.

As you know, I had an epidural too and blame a lot of what happened on that. For most women, an epidural stalls or slows labor. Obviously for my VBAC at home I won’t have any pain meds so one of the major things I’m working on are pain management techniques. I’ll let you know how that goes, haha.

Best of luck, mama!!!! and HUGS!

That comment is a total scare tactic. There isn’t anything helpful about it. In the world of the internet, you can ALWAYS find someone that had a terrible thing happen to them. There will always be horror stories. I believe in being fully informed, but don’t try to scare me into doing what you do/did because it might not work for me.

Try not to harbor your anger, but instead…look at your beautiful baby and the joy the future holds. Don’t waste a moment on regrets. They are small for such a short time..cherish each moment. The result is what is important, not how you got there. Years later when you are watching your 15 year old learn to drive and tears run down your face when you realize you have only 3 more years left with them, the birth moment will never cross your mind except to think how that just seems like yesterday. You will stop and wish you could go back in time and hold that tiny baby all over again and return to that incredible first-time experience when everything is exciting and new…oh yea..and scary since they don’t come with an instruction manual.

Rarely does anything go as planned, but that is what makes parenting such an incredible journey. You can only make the best of each situation and not look back. Wishing you all the best and hoping this moment will pass quickly for you.

Do I regret things? You bet! I wish I had stayed home longer the first labour. Maybe I would have progressed better. I wish I had more support to avoid a c-section the first time. Most of all, I wish I had a scheduled ceasarean the second time and avoided labour altogether. Although, for a while, until I realised just how bad things actually were, I felt envious of all women that give vaginal birth every time. It really is liberating.

But I didn’t. I had a c-section. I nearly died. My daughter was, in essence, already dead, except for a heartbeat. Devastation? Grief? Shock? You can’t imagine it.

Two years later. I am EXTREMELY fortunate, that the staff managed to sew up my uterus instead of simply performing a hysterectomy, which was expected. My daughter is also alive, but severely disabled. Because of brain damage (lack of oxygen in those last 10 minutes), she can barely swallow and eats through a tube in the stomach, will never talk, will never pick up a toy, sit by herself, crawl, walk, etc etc etc. Imagine that? You can’t. These are just empty words to someone who has not experienced it.

Regrets? Countless. Woulda, coulda, shoulda? Absolutely. And what? Things happened, life has moved on. Time has passed. This is just a long preamble to say that I do, wholeheartedly, empathise with the grief at not having things happen as you expect, want, deserve.

And yet, I must say that I agree with Brittney’s general comments. Don’t kick me, and don’t think me insensitive. Brittney’s timing is very unfortunate. You are in the middle of grieving, she is past it. It is often hard to remember what it was like at the time, once you move on. I agree, because saying that “I love my baby”, but I should have had a vaginal birth is like throughing the baby out with the bath water. “I love my baby, but I can’t forget that it wasn’t a vaginal birth. If only I had given birth vaginally, it would all be perfect”.

It’s never perfect. There are women that suddenly have a cord prolapse during a home birth (after “perfect” previous births) and the baby dies, or is left disabled. Yes, I know these women first hand. There are women that are allergic to the amniotic fluid and die from toxic shock once their water breaks. Yes, I know the family. Some babies die in utero in the last month of birth. Yes, I also know that family. So many things can and do happen, despite all the medical advances and the best intentions of mothers and everyone else. There is no such thing as controlling the birth. All those people saying that it’s a woman’s right and purpose to give birth naturally, have never had anything happen to them. The wonderful and fulfilling process can and does go awry in quite a hurry. The majority simply do not hear about the unfortunate cases.

Please, don’t think I’m attacking you or trying to minimize your grief. NOT AT ALL. Grief is individual, and all is relative. I know you have a “but” for everythng I said. Your baby wasn’t in distress, you didn’t need the surgery. I read your post. I am only asking that you save this and read it 2, 3, 4, 5 years from now, when you are able to gain some perspective. Now you are not ready.

Brittney was only trying to help you count your blessings, and I am too. You are alive and healthy. Angry, yes, but alive. I realize that you are assuming that you would be alive anyway, but it really is great. You have a beautiful and healthy baby boy. There is really and truly NOTHING more important than that. Not how you gave birth, not what your wishes were, nothing. I know, you must be bursting with “buts”, but think of your wedding ceremony. I am assuming that you and your husband are happy together. Would you love him more, care for him more, if you had a different wedding day? Unlikely. In retrospect, the wedding ceremony matters little in family life. So is the birth itself. The important thing is the new healthy person that is with you. At least, you are not asked to wither completely to bear fruit as is every plant.

Honestly, read this later, and believe me, I hear your pain, and feel your indignation, and things should have been different, but for your little boy, don’t look at him and sign with regret about your “lost birth”. You did give birth, and it was only a very small beginning, not the ever-important culmination.